Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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