I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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