And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
