apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
