so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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