Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
