Apparently you make a good broom.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
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Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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