I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
operation have a gay friend backfired
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
