His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
