Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
