So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
