yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
