yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
