Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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