oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Everything about him screamed your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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