I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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