I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
