nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
