My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
