Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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