this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
