I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
