we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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