He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
