my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
