can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
