Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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