I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
