hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
