a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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