So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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