I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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