Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
