i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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