NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
