If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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