Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
