the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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