I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
