How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
