I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
