I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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