FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Hippo gnu deer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize