You're my little dorito
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
