Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
