how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
