this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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