dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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