kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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