i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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