Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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