If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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