Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
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It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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